I’m Hoping my marriage doesn’t last.

Artwork by @Nicole.steffes

The other night, Heather and I were on the couch toasting to making it through the Thanksgiving Holiday with our kids. So much running around, all good things! Warm, beautiful memories with our kids (But) a lot nonetheless.

Most nights we end up on the couch with cabernet, actually, whether it was a tough day or not. Ending the day with a drink and conversation is one of our favorite rituals as friends, as lovers. Along with a glass of wine we enjoy drawing questions from the this conversation deck that I bought.

*Just a heads up, I do not believe every card in this deck is beneficial, there are some that we flat-out throw away, but most of them are actually fun to talk about.

I recommend our conversation deck included in the back of our book Committed Love

Anyway, one of the questions last night was “do you think we have what it takes to last?”

Sometimes, I have to think for a second before answering but I knew this one right away.

“No,” I said to Heather. “I don’t want to last.”

I promise I was not trying to be cryptic or ambiguous or even poetic so I quickly followed up my answer with my reasoning - “I want to do more than last.”

My mind wanders to older couples I know that don’t seem to like each other but, divorce is off the table, so lasting is what (I have seen) has become of their connection. I don’t want to last, goodness, I want to thrive!

I’m aiming past lasting. So, no - I do not think we have what it takes. I believe we have more.

How about you?

Joe and Heather, Authors of Committed Love - help young couples set strong foundations for lasting connection through evidence-based practice, wisdom and experience.

The Real Magic Behind Marriage.

The Magic and Mystery of marriage is not duel income, it’s not a tax-break, social-status, a wedding or even having kids that transform the way you see the world.

The beauty and force behind marriage that should shock the world is who you can become, together, when you have a friend Committed on the deepest level – who is there to see you become what you were born to be in it’s fullest form.

We went from face-to-face to side-by-side and had to turn back.

“Joe, Heather,” Our marriage counselors, Bob and Audrey Meisner lovingly said, “you need to get back to a face-to-face connection.”

We were lost. Spiraling in the demands of being new parents, trying to get our careers to take-off, tired, devastated by hidden and unspoken expectations and disappointments in each other.

As you venture into and through the mystery of marriage and connection I have seen, experienced and noticed (undeniably) that life pulls you and your spouse from a face-to-face connection – once enthralled with the beauty, curiosity and mystery of your friend to a side-by-side relationship. Kids, schedules, careers, house, finances, you name it. You used to stand in awe of this person, captivated by their very essence (and it’s not that you don’t like them) – it’s that life has demanded that you transition from a face-to-face connection to a side-by-side relationship. You just need to make it work and you are going through the motions, side-by-side.

Oh, my dear friends. Can you feel the pull? Maybe you are already there. Can Heather and I help you get back?

Try a few of these:

1.        Sit down on the couch together and physically turn towards each other, face-to-face. Literally train your body. Say, out loud, that life has pulled you from this connection to a side-by-side relationship and you want to re-establish a face-to-face relationship.  

2.        Look at them in the eye and say I’m sorry that I let us slip, it must have left you feeling alone, will you forgive?

3.        Ask your spouse a question from the back of the Committed Love book. (You can do this in Joe and Heather style with a bottle of wine ; )

4.        Look for a moment each day to return to being physically, face-to-face.  

I’m obviously leaving some of this open-ended for you. It’s not a recipe, it’s a way of moving with your friend.

One of the pillars of Committed Love is that you are likely to go as far as your parents went, for better or worse. You can read more in the book. The greatest predictor of intimacy in your marriage is what was modeled to you growing up. It is the most prominent, strongest and research-backed presence in your connection. They way you live and love and operate with your spouse is already forming the connection your own kids will share with their spouse.

Don’t set the bar high, set it deep.

We are cheering you on!

Joe and Heather

“We agreed that I would work and that you would stay home with the kids, why are you so unhappy?”

I’ve sat with a good handful of confused and exasperated husbands around different versions of this scenario.

I don’t get it, Joe. This is what she wanted, this is what we talked about and what we agreed on as a couple. How do I help her understand that what she is doing is just as important, if not more important than what I am doing, she’s raising our kids – that is a privilege.

This tension leaves so many couples in a constant limbo of tension, record keeping, buried resentment grasping at some (or any) version of real peace and harmony in their relationship.

In Committed Love, Heather and I hit on this dynamic in the Chapter 3 (“Bringing Home The Bacon”) and In chapter 6 (“Get Help”)

It’s possible that in your marriage with your spouse, you are struggling to embrace a decided upon role (provider, home-maker, etc.) when it may bring both of you some peace to let your aim to be comprehensive, that means being what is needed for the moment and in this stage of life.

The example up above is a great launchpad for this conversation, can I hit pause and ask you this? Is having a kid (or kids) what you thought it was going to be like? No! It’s harder, it’s more exhausting. You don’t know what type of parent you are going to be until…you are a parent. That’s why it can be tough to make such big decisions about how you are going to spend the best of your time and efforts before you even have a kid. This can sometimes leave (usually a wife) feeling trapped.

I thought this is what I wanted but I feel like I’m suffocating and my husband doesn’t get it.

Now you are in a conflict dance (Chapter 6) where she brings up being unhappy, then you talk about how it’s something you both decided on, then she feels guilty and misunderstood, then you start justifying how important her job is at home and it always leads to blah! Wherever it leads, it’s not where you want to stay, right? It sucks! It’s like a terrible dance routine you fall into, constantly stepping on each other’s toes.

If you are in a conflict dance around your roles at home/work and in any version of this dynamic let Heather and I offer you some ideas to help you start a new dance:

-              Husband - Get a babysitter for her! What, are we are talking $200 a week? Your wife gets out of the house twice a week for 4 hours to do what she wants to do. This is a simple practicality issue that can make a big difference in heart issues. Just try it and watch her come back alive, she still loves being a mom. Maybe she wants to work part-time, maybe she just wants to drink coffee with a friend, make it happen.

But Joe, that’s basically her working to pay for child-care, it’s a wash, it’s a waste.

No. It’s the chance for your wife to bloom and that is the measure of your marriage, not making money, not years sticking it out.

-              Wife - Be assertive. Not passive, not passive-aggressive. Say what you want, don’t drop hints, don’t complain just hoping he will magically change something for you. Say what you want.        

Example: “This stay at home mom life isn’t what I thought it was going to be, I want to adjust. I would like to get a part-time job for me OR I just need some time away during the week.”

In the ancient text of The Bible a writer named Peter says “Husbands, live in an understanding way with your wife.” That includes learning to pivot, change and adjust when kids disorient your entire life, your sense of purpose and balance.

You’ve got this! - Joe and Heather

Not sweeping it under the rug. Removing the rug.

Can we do a re-do?

Have you ever been in a situation with your spouse where you said something the wrong way? You were in-sensitive. You could have phrased that so much better and now you are feeling the onset of heat or ice?

The world is full of places where re-do’s are not allowed. You don’t get to try again, you already screwed it up. You don’t get to re-phrase that, you already said it.  We looooonnnng for a safe place to have a re-do and guess what, marriage is that place!

When you realize that you said something wrong, insensitive or judgmental - hop on it and ask sincerely, can I please re-do that?

OR if you notice that you AND your spouse are spiraling - hit pause, recalibrate and ask if you can start over together.

Try a re-do together.

Heather and I have been able to reroute and reapproach arguments that before, used to take up a whole weekend, or ruin an entire night, and resolve them within minutes. One of our go-to’s is The Re-Do.

Now, the magic of the re-do is not that you get another chance, and it’s not an excuse for patterns of poor behavior and disrespect - the magic of the re-do is actually a chance for your spouse to shine (not you!). Because what the re-do requires is that your spouse not hold the first (poor) attempt against you. No punishing. Literally, you get to try it again. It is SO gracious and refreshing – you can’t get this anywhere else.

The Re-Do is not sweeping it under the rug. It’s removing the rug. Oh! How we long for the chance to try again.

“I messed that up so bad, I worded that so poorly, I’m sorry – can I re-do that?”

Let us know if you try this out and how it works. Send us a message through our website. We are for you!