“We agreed that I would work and that you would stay home with the kids, why are you so unhappy?”

I’ve sat with a good handful of confused and exasperated husbands around different versions of this scenario.

I don’t get it, Joe. This is what she wanted, this is what we talked about and what we agreed on as a couple. How do I help her understand that what she is doing is just as important, if not more important than what I am doing, she’s raising our kids – that is a privilege.

This tension leaves so many couples in a constant limbo of tension, record keeping, buried resentment grasping at some (or any) version of real peace and harmony in their relationship.

In Committed Love, Heather and I hit on this dynamic in the Chapter 3 (“Bringing Home The Bacon”) and In chapter 6 (“Get Help”)

It’s possible that in your marriage with your spouse, you are struggling to embrace a decided upon role (provider, home-maker, etc.) when it may bring both of you some peace to let your aim to be comprehensive, that means being what is needed for the moment and in this stage of life.

The example up above is a great launchpad for this conversation, can I hit pause and ask you this? Is having a kid (or kids) what you thought it was going to be like? No! It’s harder, it’s more exhausting. You don’t know what type of parent you are going to be until…you are a parent. That’s why it can be tough to make such big decisions about how you are going to spend the best of your time and efforts before you even have a kid. This can sometimes leave (usually a wife) feeling trapped.

I thought this is what I wanted but I feel like I’m suffocating and my husband doesn’t get it.

Now you are in a conflict dance (Chapter 6) where she brings up being unhappy, then you talk about how it’s something you both decided on, then she feels guilty and misunderstood, then you start justifying how important her job is at home and it always leads to blah! Wherever it leads, it’s not where you want to stay, right? It sucks! It’s like a terrible dance routine you fall into, constantly stepping on each other’s toes.

If you are in a conflict dance around your roles at home/work and in any version of this dynamic let Heather and I offer you some ideas to help you start a new dance:

-              Husband - Get a babysitter for her! What, are we are talking $200 a week? Your wife gets out of the house twice a week for 4 hours to do what she wants to do. This is a simple practicality issue that can make a big difference in heart issues. Just try it and watch her come back alive, she still loves being a mom. Maybe she wants to work part-time, maybe she just wants to drink coffee with a friend, make it happen.

But Joe, that’s basically her working to pay for child-care, it’s a wash, it’s a waste.

No. It’s the chance for your wife to bloom and that is the measure of your marriage, not making money, not years sticking it out.

-              Wife - Be assertive. Not passive, not passive-aggressive. Say what you want, don’t drop hints, don’t complain just hoping he will magically change something for you. Say what you want.        

Example: “This stay at home mom life isn’t what I thought it was going to be, I want to adjust. I would like to get a part-time job for me OR I just need some time away during the week.”

In the ancient text of The Bible a writer named Peter says “Husbands, live in an understanding way with your wife.” That includes learning to pivot, change and adjust when kids disorient your entire life, your sense of purpose and balance.

You’ve got this! - Joe and Heather