“Joe, your marriage is in the emergency room, are you registering this?”
Joe and Heather, Authors of Committed Love - help young couples set strong foundations for lasting connection through evidence-based practice, wisdom and experience.
Celebrating 12 years being married to Heather today ; )
Five years ago, Heather and I sat with our counselors Bob and Audrey and they looked at me and said “Joe, is it clicking for you that your marriage is in the emergency room right now? Are you registering this?”
Probably half of our friends are divorced. To me it not only exemplifies the complexity and hardship of what marriage is, but also illustrates that what marriage has to offer is not easily reached,
Saying you need to work at it is an understatement.
This relationship status is for everyone but it’s not for anyone. (stole that from a Pepsi Blue commercial in the 90’s)
I’ve met couples married for 45 years who didn’t quit and leave, they quit and stayed, and the maturity does not mirror the years. They stopped maturing 7 years in. I’ve also met couples 5-10 years into marriage that have been through so much together and approached their bond with so much intentionality, it has forged the most beautiful maturity and mindset towards an ancient bond, tradition and connection that makes people watch and say with their eyes ‘I wonder if I’ll ever have that.’
Years alone do not really impress or qualify anyone.
One of my favorite quotes on marriage says ‘the appropriate measure of your marriage should be in the blooming of our spouse’s soul.’
Over the past twelve years of commitment to each other and to the idea of marriage, a few realities have become foundational beliefs for me when I consider Heather.
1. The One does not exist. Only becoming The One for each other.
2. Most of our conflicts, disappointments and bumps along the way have been eased with learning to be assertive and saying what you want to experience, instead of waiting for the other person to read your mind.
3. Getting help early on with counseling from friends whose marriages we look up to and professional counselors has helped us navigate some tough things. Everyone who wants to be good at something has a coach, get a coach.
4. When it comes to work and marriage it is not a two-way flow. You can be killing it at work and it does not translate to home. But, killing it at home 100% translates into your work life.
5. Despite all the marketing in 2026 around divorce and finally being free - Marriage, if you do it right, can become your greatest and most valuable asset.
6. Sex is not just a physical connection – it’s an emotional spectrum of connection, belonging and understanding. Widening the scope opens new waters for intimacy.
7. The process of asking for forgiveness. Clarifying the offense, it’s impact, bringing the value of the relationship to the forefront and asking for another try has been transformational for us – not just saying sorry or sweeping it under the rug.
8. Raising kids opens a paradigm and understanding of the world and people you cannot access outside of the experience with any type of degree, job or training. Having a kid wildly changed my thoughts as a teacher.
9. If you get married you have to be committed to the idea of what marriage is, not just committed to the person.
10. Our kids watch how we interact with each other – and just like we have observed our own parents, we will be the primary reference point for what they expect and how they act in the romantic connections they place value on, I want to set our kids up for the most beautiful success.
Do one of those numbers hit you?
Heather and I put out a book a couple years ago that basically takes you through all the things we messed up on in our first ten years. It’s great for couples who are thinking “this is not clicking how I thought it was going to.”
You can get it here at committedlovebook.com or at Barnes and Noble.
You made it to the end of the post, good job! ; ) Grace and Peace.